Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
