My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Too much gin, very little bucket
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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