We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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