i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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