Umm I'm too high to move.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
