Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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