he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
