Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
