I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
