Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
