My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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