Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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