what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
