I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
