onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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