There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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