Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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