My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
