You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
