she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
