i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
