ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
