I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
