you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
