i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
