I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
