I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
