Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
