I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the day after is always just damage control
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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