areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
