The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
