There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
