Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
