My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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