If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i believe in u and ur pee
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
