Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
