Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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