To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
