just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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