dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
