I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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