i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
