You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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