Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
