So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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