He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
