I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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