i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
