A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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