I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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