Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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