You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
