Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
