Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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