i love accidental penises.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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