chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
