I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
