you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
