I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
