you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
