things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
